Those of us who are old enough remember making or getting a phone call to set up a date. We went to a movie and then had a burger afterward. If we both had a good time, there was probably a second date and then more. We became a couple, holding hands as we walked the halls at school, and went to parties and proms together. In college, pretty much the same thing went down.
Enter technology. While concepts and behaviors of love and romance have certainly changed over time, perhaps no single aspect of dating has been impacted more than the advent of cell phones, messaging, social media, video chats, etc. It almost seems as though love and romance have become a digital phenomenon these days. Just consider the meteoric rise in online dating apps over the past several years.
Digital Dating Comes with Games
Now that so much communication between people who date occurs digitally, it’s easy to fall prey to some of the mean and unethical games that someone can play on you. Here are the most common, so that you can recognize them and learn the lessons they provide.
Ghosting
So, you have been dating someone for a while. And you are feeling that this may be the “one” for you. All of a sudden, they disappear. They don’t answer your calls, texts, and even messages you send on their social media accounts.
You are left totally bewildered, wondering what went wrong. In fact, you feel almost deserted.
Ghosting is a form of emotional cruelty and is usually done by a person who is cowardly. They don’t want to go through the uncomfortable process of breaking things off the right way, so they just walk out of someone’s life with no explanation.
Haunting
Once you’ve been ghosted, you may become the “victim” of haunting. The person who ghosted you suddenly shows back up again, but not in a direct way. They will suddenly begin liking some of your social media posts or commenting on a few of them. What is their purpose? Hard to say. Perhaps they have a huge ego and just want to see if you are still pining for them and will respond to their likes or comments. Just don’t do it. Ignore them and move on.
Orbiting
This is a bit like haunting and occurs only on social media. Again, you see that they are watching you via your accounts but not making direct contact. And again, you wonder why. They never make direct contact – it’s sort of a digital stalking. They want to know what you’re up to but only from the shadows. Don’t reach out, even if you still have feelings for this person. You are only prolonging the pain of having been discarded.
Submarining
You’ve been ghosted. And all of a sudden, this person pops back up into your life with a call or text, or even a personal message on one of your social media accounts. They almost act as if nothing has happened – no explanation or apology. Don’t respond. Like a submarine, they will dive back into the deep ocean of ghosting again.
Note: It’s not a good idea if they return with an explanation or apology and want to give it another try. If this is the case, proceed with caution, if at all.
Pocketing
You’re in a relationship. But something seems a bit off. A lot of your dates are at their place or yours. You may even take short day or overnight trips out of town. You don’t meet many of their friends or any of their family members. In short, there are “places” in their lives where they don’t take you. And there are no pictures or talk of you on their social media accounts. Clearly, they don’t want to go “public” with your relationship.
This is not a normal romantic relationship, at least not one that you want. You can confront them about this, but you will probably just get denials and excuses. Better to end it now, even if it is painful.
Situationship
The best way to describe this relationship is “convenience.” Maybe it’s cuffing season, and you both are living in the same apartment complex; maybe you move in the same social circles of similar socio-economic demographics, and there are expectations that you will remain in that same demographic. Coupling based only on what is convenient at the time is not really a lasting relationship.
Benching and Breadcrumbing
There are those who want to keep a string of potential relationships. Why? It’s probably a need to be admired and wanted by several people, certainly not a monogamous relationship. These people may fashion themselves “players” at best or are narcissists at worst. They will keep you engaged just enough for you to think they really have an interest in you. In truth, you are one of several.
A Gradual Fade
You are in a relationship with someone who has decided that it’s not for them. Rather than having a direct conversation with you that ends it, instead, they decide to let you down slowly, as if that will make it somehow “better.” So, you go through a rather painful pulling away – phone calls, texts, and dates fall off, and there may be all sorts of excuses. Your only solution is to confront this person directly and hope that they will “come clean.” This is better than not knowing the truth and will let you move on.
Don’t Be a Victim
Now that you are aware of the games that potential mates play, you will be able to recognize the symptoms and get out before you experience the pain they bring you. One of the proactive methods you can use is actually digital. You might try this app, an online dating service that will let you explore and get to know potential matches before you take any plunge into actual dating for real.
